


Phantom Boys

by RookieSand



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Retelling, boy!Makoto, vague mentioning of panic attacks, y'all ever want to ship Makoto and MC but make it gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-09-29 23:27:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17212844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RookieSand/pseuds/RookieSand
Summary: Ever wondered what Persona 5 would be like if Makoto was a boy? No? Okay. But that's what this is, so just know what you're getting into. Obvious spoilers for things once Makoto enters the picture.





	1. 5/30/20XX

Makoto Niijima was peeking through the bushes, spying on a small group of kids gathered by the vending machines during lunch. Makoto, as he was president of the student council, had been saddled with the unfair task of trying to suss out any information he could on the now rumored Phantom Thieves. With little to go on and everything to lose, he had started to dig deeper into the lives of students that he couldn’t care less about. His digging had led him to a suspicious group of friends, the ones currently gathered by the vending machines.

There wasn’t anything particularly strange about the group. They were all second-year students and two of them were even in the same class. The small group consisted of two boys and one girl. If Makoto was being honest and if he hadn't been investigating around the school, he wouldn’t have given the group a second glance. What bothered him was that these three seemed to have formed an unlikely and quick bond.

The first of the group was Ren Amamiya, the main target and ringleader. He had transferred to the school that year after being sent to Tokyo on parole. He lived in Yongen-Jaya with his guardian, Sojiro Sakura. Makoto didn’t know much else about Ren besides those key facts, some of which he had pulled out of his overworked and sleepless sister; he felt bad about it, but the information was for the sake of both of them. Any other information on Ren was hard to come by and most of the rumors circling the school were baseless and had to do with Ren’s arrest. One rumor that had stuck with Makoto was that Ren seemed to have threatened Suguru Kamoshida, the former physical education teacher and volleyball coach. Of course, that wasn’t the funny part of the story. The first target of the Phantom Thieves had been Kamoshida.

Next in the group was Ryuji Sakamoto, a dyed-blond wannabe bad boy. He was a rowdy type that Makoto really had no patience for. He found Ryuji to be dumb as a brick and with way too much pride and sense of justice. That didn’t mean that Makoto had no sympathy for the boy. He came from a broken home just like Makoto did. They at least had something in common even if Makoto chose to use his brain and Ryuji didn’t. Makoto knew that Ryuji had ties to Kamoshida was well. There seemed to have been some rumors about Ryuji's broken leg and the track team floating around.

The last member of the group was Ann Takamaki. Makoto had talked to her only a couple of times since they had started attending high school together and thought them to be on relatively good terms. She was a little ditzy, Makoto could tell, but at least it seemed like Ann had some sort of a brain behind those bright blue eyes of hers. She too was blonde but naturally so. She was from a partially foreign family of fashion designers and as such Ann wore high-end clothes and modeled—not that she didn’t have any right to model. Despite being probably one of the most attractive girls in school, she wasn’t wildly popular. Although, Makoto had heard from the rumor mill that Ann was very easy. Perhaps she was more popular with the boys than Makoto knew. Either way, the most pervasive rumor was that she had been in a relationship with Kamoshida, although Makoto wasn’t sure how true that rumor was.

In short, the group all seemed to have some connections to one thing, Kamoshida. Or, if not connections, they had a reason to want to take him down. It was just too perfect that not long after the group had gotten together Kamoshida’s jarring and out of character confession rocked the school. Makoto couldn’t let that slide. It was too suspicious. These three were up to something. He just needed to know what and proof that they did it.

Makoto was thrown out of his thoughts when the group started to disband. Ryuji and Ren took off in opposite directions while Ann stayed back. Makoto watched her briefly. She leaned against the table in the small covered area and started to go through her phone. Her long legs were stretched out in front of her. Makoto hadn’t set out to watch Ann specifically but… What would it hurt if he watched her a little while longer? Maybe she was up to something by herself. He did need as much information as he could gather after all.

An arm looped around his neck and he was dragged away from the bush. He let out a strangled yelp, gripping at the arm that was around him. Then, without thinking, he shifted his weight and flipped them over his shoulder. The whole thing happened faster than his brain could follow. He looked down at the ground and he finally recognized the face below him. Ren Amamiya was struggling to catch his breath.

“I-I’m sorry for s-startling you,” Ren breathed. He coughed and Makoto felt slightly bad for tossing him so hard. Realistically, who would’ve been attacking him on school grounds? He definitely should’ve eased up.

“A-Are you okay, Amamiya-kun?” Makoto asked gently. He was still holding Ren’s hand and walked over to the other side of him to pull him to his feet again. “I’m trained in aikido. You can’t just sneak up on me.” 

Ren rocked on his feet a bit then shook himself out as if to clear his head. He brushed off his shirt in a flustered manner. When he looked back at Makoto, he seemed completely composed again, cocky grin included. “I’m alright.... um… Sorry, what was your name again?”

Makoto was somewhat taken aback. Ren didn’t even know his name yet felt bold enough to walk over and touch him. “Makoto Niijima,” he said softly. “Your student council president?”

Ren nodded quickly. “Niijima-san! I remembered the student council part but your name slipped my mind. I didn’t know you were that strong. I wouldn’t have guessed. Who would guess that the student council president could win in a fight?”

Makoto huffed, though he definitely understood where Ren got that assumption. Makoto took great pride in his appearance both physically and the air that he held. His hair was trimmed tightly on the sides, but he left the top long and coifed it every morning. He wore a black sweater vest over his issued uniform shirt instead of his blazer and made sure both were wrinkle free. His uniform pants were ironed and straight, hitting his ankle at just the right height. He had the best grades in the school and, at this point, was basically the principal’s lapdog. He probably looked like the perfect student from Ren’s perspective.

“So,” Ren continued, “what were you up to over here? I saw you peeking through the bushes.” He shot Makoto a sly grin and peeked through the bushes where Makoto had just been standing. He spied Ann and only let the frown on his face last for a split second. If Makoto hadn’t been watching, he would’ve missed it. “Ann Takamaki, huh? She’s a good looking gal. Do you have a little crush?”

Makoto crossed his arms, a large frown on his face. “No, I do not… Besides, I wasn’t spying on her or anything. I saw a bug and wanted to take a closer look at it.”

Ren turned back to him with an eyebrow raised. “I wouldn’t have pegged you as one who was into bugs either, Niijima-san.” He circled around Makoto and wrapped his arm around his shoulders again. Makoto allowed it, though he tensed under the gesture. “You don’t have to lie to me. It’s okay for a young man such as yourself to eye a girl like that. You don’t have to be bashful.”

Makoto rolled his eyes. He knocked Ren’s arm away now. “I thought Takamaki-san was your friend. I don’t think she would take too kindly to you calling her a gal or telling other boys to stare at her. What do you want anyway, Amamiya-kun? Lunch is almost over and I would like to get back to class. So if you have nothing for me, then I’ll be going.” He started to back away.

“Wait,” Ren cut in quickly, “I have a proposition for you, Mr. President.”

Makoto stopped in his tracks. “A what?”

“I won’t tell anyone that you were spying on Ann if you do something for me.”

“I wasn’t spying!” Makoto burst out. He took a deep breath quickly and straightened his sweater. He shouldn’t let Ren get under his skin. Ren was just a delinquent second-year. He didn’t matter. Still, if Ren told Ann what had happened, Ann might think Makoto was weird. Rumors at this school were out of hand on a good day, and the last thing he needed was a blown up rumor about him. He’d at least hear Ren out even if he knew it meant sounding like admitting defeat. “What is your proposal?”

“Come get coffee with me. You drink coffee, right?”

Makoto blinked in surprise. “Well, yeah… But why?”

“I don’t know,” Ren said, tilting his head. “I think we need to talk.”

“Okay… When and where?”

“Meet me at the school gates after school.”

“Today?”

“No good for you?”

“Well, no… That’s fine. I can make it work. Don’t worry.”

Ren nodded once. “Alright, it’s a date. See ya.” He turned on his heel and waved over his shoulder as he headed back towards the school building.

What had just happened? The conversation had only lasted a few minutes from the time that Makoto had flipped Ren to the point where they parted ways. Now, somehow, he had a coffee meeting with Ren after school. He sighed. He really needed to get closer with Ren so it wasn’t like he was upset that they were going to hang out. It just seemed fishy. He’d never even talked to Ren before this. Why would Ren want to hang out with him of all people?

The bell rung and Makoto quietly swore under his breath. He rushed back into the classroom building to get to class.

 

Makoto kicked on his shoes at his shoe locker. The rest of the day had passed by slowly and his brain had made it incredibly hard to focus on anything that wasn’t getting coffee with Ren. Now, it had finally arrived, and Makoto's stomach was in knots. Makoto had to make some arrangements but he’d managed to work it out to get the free time. Student council was just going to have to run without him. It wouldn’t put that much of a damper on things if he wasn’t there. He didn’t bother telling his sister that he was going out for coffee with someone. She probably wouldn’t be coming home that night anyway. If she did and even bothered to ask him about his day, he’d let her know then.

As he walked out of the building, he saw Ren standing by the gates with Ryuji and Ann. Makoto stopped in his tracks. Ren hadn’t said anything about those two coming. Makoto hadn’t mentally prepared himself to hang out with three people, especially not those three people. He was barely holding it together at the thought of hanging out with just Ren. And it wasn’t like he really had a choice of whether to go talk to them or not. He took a deep breath, straightened his sweater, and started forward.

“Yusuke said that he doesn’t really care where we meet up,” Ann was saying as Makoto entered the group. She was twirling a lock of hair around her finger while looking at her phone. She seemed mildly upset about something.

“Hi, Niijima-san,” Ren said with a smile. Makoto could tell it was a soft warning to the other two that he had walked up.

Ann and Ryuji moved closer to Ren and Makoto couldn’t help but feel like the odd one out. He wouldn’t say that he was friends with Ann or Ryuji but he wasn’t rude to them, even if he thought they were a little annoying. How could they be so cold to him when he’d never even done anything to them? He shifted uncomfortably.

“Hello, Amamiya-kun…” Makoto nodded his head at Ann and Ryuji politely. “Takamaki-san, Sakamoto-kun.”

Ryuji and Ann mumbled polite hellos. They sounded forced. Ann’s body language became more closed off while Ryuji looked like he was almost ready to punch Makoto. The air had become incredibly hostile.

“Well, tell Yusuke we can meet up tomorrow afternoon,” Ren said to Ann. His tone cut the tension like a knife. “I made plans with Niijima-san that I have to keep today.”

“Ren, is that a good idea?” Ann asked. “You know how… important this is to Yusuke.” It seemed like Ann was struggling to find words to put together. 

“It can and will wait for tomorrow,” Ren said more forcefully. “We aren’t behind and we can finish tomorrow.” He leaned in closer to Ann and whispered something to her that Makoto couldn’t catch. “Disband,” Ren said waving his hand at the two. “I have a coffee date.”

“Date?” Ryuji asked with a slight tilt of his head.

“He means figuratively,” Makoto cut in. “Not literally.”

Ryuji let out a short laugh. “Whatever, man. See ya later, Ren.” He walked away and Ann begrudgingly followed him throwing, “Bye,” over her shoulder.

Makoto looked at Ren with a serious expression. His hand had curled into a fist in his pocket. “What was that about?”

“We have a friend who goes to another school,” Ren responded easily. “He’s really good at art and needs help with an art project. He can wait until tomorrow. We have plenty of time.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. “Yeah… plenty. Okay. Let’s head off.”

Makoto was pulled along to the train station and realized that Ren was taking him to Yongen-Jaya. Makoto wasn’t very familiar with that area—or the train transfers—as he rarely needed to go out there. He honestly wasn’t sure if there was a coffee shop to go to down there. As he stood on the train next to Ren, he couldn’t help but feel a little nervous. Going out with people he considered friends wasn’t something that happened often to him, so going out with an almost complete stranger was not something he felt well versed in. Plus, Ren was a convicted criminal. Makoto didn’t believe half the rumors, but there was still a record. It was apparently an assault charge. Makoto greatly hoped he hadn’t walked himself right into some sort of trap. Though, it did bring him some comfort knowing how easily he’d thrown Ren earlier. Maybe Ren wouldn’t put up much of a fight if it came down to it.

“You look a little sick there, Mr. President,” Ren said easily. “Everything okay?”

Makoto straightened up. “Yeah, I’m sorry. The train is a little cramped.” 

“You don’t get out much, huh?”

Makoto looked away indignantly. “I take the train every day,” he muttered. “That doesn’t mean I like being packed on here…”

Ren smiled. “Sorry for assuming. I, for one, shouldn’t be making assumptions when I barely know someone.”

Makoto didn’t respond, playing up the fact that Ren thought he looked sick. It almost felt like Ren was reprimanding him for his thoughts. His heart fluttered as his anxious mind entertained the thought that Ren could hear everything going through his head. He took a deep breath to steady himself again. That was absurd. There was no way Ren could know what was going through his head.

They finally arrived in Yongen-Jaya after what felt like hours. It was a longer ride than Makoto was used to and he was actually starting to feel a little sick on the train. He took in a deep breath of fresh air. Ren was already making his way down the street and Makoto hurried to follow him. They dipped down an alley and started down the backstreets. 

“Where are we going?” Makoto asked uncertainly. It definitely wasn’t comforting being guided down the back alley given the situation. His anxiety levels were through the roof.

“There’s a coffee shop down here called Leblanc,” Ren said over his shoulder. His stride was long and confident to the point Makoto was struggling to keep up; Ren's legs had a good couple inches over Makoto's. “It’s definitely a hole-in-the-wall kind of place but it’s very good. I happen to stay there.”

Makoto shook his head thinking he hadn’t heard him right. “You stay in the coffee shop?”

Ren nodded. “If you have ever wondered why I constantly smell like coffee, that would be the reason.”

Makoto hadn’t really noticed that Ren smelled like coffee. Now that he had mentioned it, Makoto couldn’t help but notice. At least it was a pleasant smell. There were definitely worse things to smell like. Makoto jumped forward a bit to get closer to Ren. The coffee smell was certainly enticing. He wished Ren would slow his pace so that they could walk shoulder to shoulder and Makoto could actually get a good smell of him.

Ren slowed abruptly, almost causing Makoto to crash into him. They had come upon a small coffee shop tucked in between a couple of other buildings. Ren hadn’t been joking about the hole-in-the-wall thing. One could easily pass it up if there wasn’t an awning over the top and a small sign out front telling the specials. Ren walked in first and Makoto followed somewhat hesitantly.

“I’m back,” Ren called into the shop as the door closed behind them.

Makoto glanced around. The place was one somewhat narrow path with a counter to the right and several booths to the left. The wall behind the counter was filled to bursting with different coffee beans. A TV on the wall was harping on about the local news. Makoto felt the whole place had a very homely vibe about it that made him almost feel comfortable. Though, the entire place was empty which was both nice and disconcerting simultaneously. 

“Welcome back,” the man behind the counter said. He was a much older man with kind eyes and a receding hairline. “With a friend, it seems.”

Makoto bowed and his face flushed. He’d almost forgotten his manners. “Hello, sir. Please excuse my intrusion. I am Makoto Niijima. I attend school with Amamiya-kun”

The man raised an eyebrow and stroked his beard at Makoto’s formal greeting. “I’m Sojiro Sakura. Please, make yourself at home.”

“I think we are just going to sit in my room for a little bit,” Ren said. “May I make us some coffee to drink?”

Sojiro nodded. “Just don’t hog the counter when you’re making it.” Makoto couldn't help but wonder what kind of order that was. It wasn't like there were any patrons in the shop that Ren would jump in front of.

Ren turned back to Makoto. “I’ll take you up to my room so you don’t have to hang out down here while I do that boring stuff.” He started across the shop and Makoto had no choice but to follow him up the stairs.

The stairs were located at the back of the shop beside the bathroom. Nothing except a small red rope with a sign that said 'No Entry' could stop a normal patron from heading up into what was apparently Ren's room. Ren stepped over the rope easily then started up the stairs. Makoto sighed. Sometimes, he just wished he was a little more athletic or just a few inches taller. He very cautiously stepped over the rope and followed Ren up the stairs. The steps were steep and narrow and Makoto felt like one wrong move could send him tumbling down them. Ren seemed to have no problem taking them two at a time. He paused near the top and looked into what seemed to open up into a room. He glanced down at Makoto.

“Hold on just one moment please,” Ren said and Makoto paused on the stairs obediently. He disappeared for just a moment and then peeked back down the stairs over the banister. “How are you with cats?”

“You keep a cat here too? That doesn’t seem very sanitary.”

“Sure, whatever,” Ren said shaking his head. “Are you okay with cats or not? I can kick him out if you're not.” A sharp meow punctuated his sentence and Ren winced.

“Cats are fine,” Makoto said. “I can handle a cat.” 

“Cool. Come on up then.”

Makoto climbed the rest of the stairs and turned into Ren’s room. It wasn’t anything to behold. It was just a large room with storage shelves along the sides and a bed pushed into the corner. Makoto was surprised that Ren slept on a mattress propped up on various baskets and tubs; there was no way that was comfortable. Other than that there were a few trinkets here and there, but for the most part, the room was devoid of any personality. Makoto noticed a black and white cat sitting on the bed staring meaningfully at him. He gave it a small wave and it blinked in return.

“You can set your bag down on the table where mine is. Have a seat anywhere you'd like. Hang out with Morgana,” Ren said as he went back to the stairs. “Uh, that’s the cat. He’s good for conversation.” He pounded down the stairs before Makoto could get a word in edgewise.

Makoto set his bag on the table beside Ren's. He took a small peek inside Ren's bag and found the entire thing was coated in cat hair. What did the cat live in there?! The rest of the contents seemed to just be normal school things. He shook his head. He shouldn't be snooping through Ren's bag when he had been invited to his room in good faith. He took a seat on the sofa pushed to the side of the room opposite the bed. He looked back at the cat. Ren said he was good for conversation and Makoto was feeling nervous. Maybe pretending to talk to the cat would calm him down a little bit. “So, do you… like living here… uh, Morgana-kun?”

The cat stared at him. It almost looked like he was uninterested in talking. He flicked his tail.

“I’m sure that the smell of coffee can get irritating,” Makoto continued. “Morgana sure is a peculiar name. Did Amamiya-kun pick it out for you?”

Morgana meowed quietly. 

“That’s very interesting. I apologize for not being better at conversations. I am a bit nervous you know.” Makoto's hands gripped the thighs of his pants.

Morgana’s ears twitched and he meowed again.

“Well, I guess I’m nervous because I don’t get invited to hang out very often. Then Amamiya-kun took me directly to his room to hang out. I can’t say I’m used to these kinds of situations. I must sound stupid.” He paused for a moment. How could he sound stupid when he was venting to a cat? It was stupid. “You know, I’m the student council president, right? I have to talk in front of people all the time. Yet, I still get nervous in silly social interactions like this… Ugh, God, my entire life is falling apart and I’m seeking comfort by talking to a cat.” Makoto buried his face in his hands.

Morgana got up off the bed and crossed the room. He jumped up into Makoto’s lap and started to gently purr. Makoto gave him a couple of quick pets on the head.

“Thank you, Morgana-kun.” Makoto picked up Morgana by the armpits and held him so he was standing on his back feet on Makoto’s legs. “Tell me something, what is Amamiya-kun like? Is he… like the rumors say? I don't want to believe them but there is a record.”

Morgana gave him two slow blinks. He dipped his head and licked Makoto’s hand where he could reach. Then after a couple of licks, he gave Makoto a gentle nip.

Makoto dropped him. “Ow! Okay, I won’t ask… You didn’t need to bite me, you know. I just want to trust him.”

Ren came back into the room holding two cups of coffee. He noticed Morgana still sitting in Makoto’s lap. “Oh, Morgana, what are you doing?”

Morgana started to meow quickly as if he were actually saying something. Ren made no move to interrupt or stop him from meowing.

“He bit me,” Makoto murmured once Morgana had stopped. “He’s not very well-behaved.”

Ren chuckled at that. “You’re not wrong.”

Morgana meowed indignantly and went back to the bed.

Ren sat down beside Makoto and handed him one of the cups of coffee. He turned so he was seated completely facing Makoto. His arm leaned against the back of the couch and he gave Makoto a warm smile.

Makoto stared into his cup of coffee. He didn’t know what to say to Ren at all. And why was he being so casual? They didn’t even know each other. Ren was acting like they were childhood friends or something. “Wh-What did you want to talk about?” he asked quietly. 

“Hm?” Ren asked in return. He sipped his coffee.

“Well, you said… that we needed to talk. I thought that meant that you had something in mind to talk about.” Makoto gripped the cup tighter. 

“Oh, right. I lied.” Ren said it so naturally and Makoto felt his heart drop. Was anything that came out of Ren's mouth true? He could barely tell the difference. “There really wasn’t anything that I needed to talk to you about. It definitely didn’t have anything to do with whatever it is you’re doing around school.”

The color drained from Makoto’s face. “Wh-What do you m-mean by that?”

“It’s none of my business until it becomes my business,” Ren said in a very serious tone. “I hope it doesn’t become my business. If you think I haven’t noticed you snooping around the school, then you’d be wrong. You’re not very sneaky.”

Makoto’s grip on his cup tightened. His breath was starting to come in short, sharp gasps. How could he have been so stupid? Ren was smarter than that. He’d misread Ren and this would cost him greatly. He needed to save the situation.

“It’s… T-Takamaki-san,” he murmured his voice shaking. “You caught me. I do… have a crush on her.” He looked up at Ren with a pleading look. “Please don’t tell her about it, okay? I know it’s not orthodox to spy on someone you like. I didn’t even really mean to be. It’s just that… you and Sakamoto-kun are always with her so I could never get a chance to get her alone.”

Ren’s eyebrows raised and he looked intrigued. “Really? No offense, but she doesn’t really seem like your… type.”

Makoto thought about it. Maybe that was true, but it wasn’t a secret that Ann was attractive. He figured most people could, in theory, have a crush on her. “I suppose you’re right. I don’t know that much about Takamaki-san. That said, she is very attractive and seems kind.”

“She has a big heart,” Ren said with a nod. “Do you want me to set something up for you?”

“O-Oh… That’s not really necessary…" Makoto thought about it. Would he want to go on a date with Ann? Well, it wasn't like it would kill him to go out with her. "Do you think she’d be interested?”

Makoto couldn’t help but be curious. He’d never had a girlfriend. He’d never even really thought about girls that much before. He had more important things to focus on than relationships. The thought of maybe being in one wasn’t the worst thing that he could imagine, especially if his girlfriend just so happened to be Ann Takamaki. It maybe wouldn't help his social standings—there was the small detail that Ann was rumored to have relations with a teacher—but it would make him feel a little bit better.

“I think she’d humor you at the very least,” Ren said honestly. “Though, I don’t know if it would work out between you two, honestly. I think that’s a little bit up to you, buddy. I’ll see what I can do. How free is your schedule?”

“I can usually make something work out most days,” Makoto answered without thinking. “I have no curfew either, although I do try to be home before ten.”

Ren nodded. “I can work with that.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and started to type quickly.

Makoto looked down at his coffee again. He supposed he should try it. He’d been too flustered up to this point to actually give it a try. He took a sip. It wasn’t great, although it wasn’t the worst cup of coffee he’d ever tasted either. Ren must’ve still been learning the intricacies of coffee. Makoto choked down some more of it. The caffeine might do him some good.

“Tomorrow at seven works for her,” Ren said suddenly. “Or Sunday but she does have a photo shoot. So, if you pick that day, you’ll have to wait until after she’s done.”

Makoto blinked in surprise. “She already agreed?”

“I told you that she’d humor you.” He took another sip of his coffee and started typing again.

“I don’t really need a pity date,” Makoto murmured. He sighed. “Tomorrow could work. I need to text my sister to see if I can go out.”

Ren nodded. “Go ahead and text her. Ann’s waiting.”

Makoto brought out his phone and texted his sister. She responded quickly which was practically unheard of for her. He couldn’t believe that the one time he could’ve used her as an excuse to get out of something, she betrayed him by being by her phone. “She said it doesn’t matter if I eat dinner home tomorrow or not. I guess I can go to dinner with Takamaki-san.”

Ren typed again. “Cool. Let me give you her contact information so you guys can coordinate by yourselves.”


	2. 5/31/20XX

Makoto sat at the table in the small restaurant alone. He was trying to calm his shallow breathing but was having a bit of trouble. He had given up on having his heart slow down as he had already finished two cups of coffee and was currently working on a soda. Too much caffeine was coursing through his veins adding an extra layer of jitters. He’d arrived early to his date with Ann and now she was late. She wasn’t so late that he felt he’d been stood up, but he also was nervous he might be. It was just his luck that his first ever date would end with him being stood up. He had to pee desperately.

His phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket. It was a short message from Ann saying that she was on her way and running a tad bit late. He sighed. At least she had the courtesy to tell him she was late, although that didn’t quite clear up his negative thoughts on the matter. He did at least understand the fact that Ann was not interested in him and this was not her first priority of the day. He was far down her list of important things to do. As sad as it was, he had accepted his fate as he waited. His soda had been finished; and, when he had a waitress come by to top it off again, she gave him a pitiful look.

It wasn’t too much longer before he saw a head of bouncy blonde hair walk through the entrance. He watched her scan the restaurant for a minute and only waved slightly to catch her attention. He didn't want to garner any unwanted attention from the other patrons. He wasn’t sure what people would think if they saw a boy like him with a girl like her. He didn’t really want to imagine. 

Ann nodded when she caught sight of him. She crossed the restaurant in a few long strides and slid into the chair across from him. “I’m really sorry I’m late.”

“That’s alright,” Makoto assured her quickly. He shifted awkwardly. He shouldn’t have had so much to drink already. He felt like he was going to explode.

“I promise I’m not usually like this. Our group thing ran a bit later than expected.” She shrugged. “Are you okay? You’re not looking too hot.”

“I do have to use the bathroom,” Makoto admitted his cheeks flushing. “I had too much to drink while I was waiting so if you could excuse me for one moment.” Ann nodded at him as he stood up and he scurried off to the bathroom.

As he was washing his shaking hands, he stared at himself in the mirror. What was he even doing? He didn’t want to go on a date with Ann. Sure, the idea was appetizing, but now that he was sitting across from her the reality of the situation set in. He was on a date with a girl that didn’t give two shits about him, at least not enough to bother showing up on time even if she was held up by something else. On the flip side, he also didn't care much for Ann. Sure, she was very pretty, but Ren was right when he said she wasn't really his type. Makoto didn't know his type, but he was fairly certain he felt nothing for Ann outside of thinking she was attractive like most everybody else. Even so, the funniest part of the entire date was that he actually somewhat cared about how this date went! He was definitely stupid for wanting Ann to think he was cool or for even entertaining the idea that they could be friends. In what world? He splashed a little bit of water on his face hoping to cool himself down.

He returned to the table. Ann had ordered a drink now and was sipping while she waited for him. As he sat down again, she gave him a gentle smile. At least she was going to be pleasant while she was there. He was at least thankful for that kindness.

“Feeling better?” she asked. “You still look a little flushed.”

He shook his head. “No, no. I’m alright. I hope this isn’t too rude, but I have to ask why you agreed to go out with me.”

She sat back in her chair and folded her arms. She looked like she had already prepared to answer this question. “Well, Ren asked me to and he does have a lot of sway over whether I do something or not.”

He nodded. “So it was a pity date.” He looked down at the table. His heart felt heavy. Deep down he did actually want this to be real even if he’d known from the start that it never would be.

She frowned. “Do you ever stop feeling sorry for yourself? Doesn’t it get old?” she said offhandedly.

He lifted his head up and stared at her. “What?” was all that tumbled out of his half-opened mouth. His face felt hot again.

Ann leaned forward on the table, leaning her head in her hand. “People don’t really like you,” she said bluntly. “At the very least, most people would agree that you’re not the most popular guy at school. The sad part about that is I don’t even think you like you. Instead of doing something about it, you just wallow in it. I just have to know… Doesn’t that get tiring after a while?”

“What right do you have to say those things to me? You don’t even know me.”

“Then why don’t you deny it?”

Makoto searched her face but she only wore a curious expression. There wasn’t any contempt or maliciousness to be seen. What was she trying to get out of this? If she wanted to make him feel worse, it was working. He felt his stomach turn and his heart was heavy in his chest. She was right. He did hate himself. That didn’t mean she understood why he hated himself. She didn’t know anything about him.

“Shut the hell up,” he mumbled, looking away. “Please.”

Ann blinked in surprise and sat back in her chair again. “That was rude coming from you.”

“You’re not being very pleasant so why should I show you any courtesy? I shouldn’t have agreed to this. You’re probably going to text your friends and make fun of me, right? That’s why Amamiya-kun made you come. You wouldn’t have said yes otherwise. As if I don’t get enough shit at school, you guys just want to torment me outside of it as well? You know, I might as well quit while I’m ahead.” He bit the inside of his cheek, holding back tears.

“Niijima-kun… I’m not going to… That’s not why I...” She seemed to be having trouble coming up with the right words. It almost looked like she'd misread the situation. She reached across the table and laid a hand over his. Her fingers jumped back slightly when she felt him shaking, but she eased her hand back down and held on.

As much as Makoto wanted to pull away, Ann’s hand was warm and comforting. His other hand under the table was running his thumb quickly over his finger to try and soothe himself. He had to settle down before things got out of hand. He could taste blood in his mouth and it was starting to give him a headache.

“Would you like to leave?” Ann asked gently. “You look like you could use some fresh air.”

Makoto nodded and was gently guided out of the restaurant, Ann's hand in his. The late spring air was humid and hot, making Makoto feel more overwhelmed. They walked down the road close together but they had dropped their hands away from each other. Ann was watching him closely but he couldn’t really focus on anything that wasn’t his feet moving one at a time. If he did, he might break down even further. He didn’t really want to do that.

“Niijima-kun, are you alright?” Her arm swayed out of its path as if she was going to touch him, but both of his hands were shoved deep into his pockets.

Makoto nodded. “I’m sorry… I… Why did Amamiya-kun make you come?”

Ann looked caught off guard by the question. “Um… Well… He kinda…”

He shook his head, cutting her off. “I wasn’t really expecting a straight answer so if it’s going to require thinking then that’s answer enough. I think I’m going to head home now.”

“Would you like me to walk you there? Or at least take you to the train station? You still don’t look very well.”

“No thank you. I will be fine on my own. Thank you for spending some time with me.” He turned quickly and started off in the opposite direction of how they’d been walking.

“N-Niijima-kun!” Ann called after him. She didn’t make an attempt to follow. Makoto was okay with that as tears started to make their way down his face.

 

Makoto closed the door softly behind himself. He could hear the TV on in the other room. His sister was probably working on something in the living room. He crept down to the living room and spied her sitting on the couch with her laptop. She had her hair wrapped up in a towel and was browsing the channels. A floorboard squeaked under Makoto’s foot.

“Makoto, are you home already?” she called without turning around.

“Um… yeah.” He moved to the living room and stood beside her.

“Please don’t sneak into the house, Makoto,” Sae said as she looked up at him. “I’d prefer if you would announce when you get home so I know that it’s you. Especially since I thought you were going to be much later. I hope you weren't up to something bad if that's your attitude coming home.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. 

She frowned slightly. She must not have been impressed with his lukewarm apology. “I drained the bath. I thought you wouldn’t be home.”

He shook his head. “That’s fine. I might just go to my room and sleep. I'm tired.”

Her frown deepened as she stared at him longer. “Is everything alright? You look a little shaken up. Don’t tell me you had a—” 

“I’m fine,” Makoto said quickly. “I didn’t…” He looked away and rubbed his shoulder nervously. "You don't have to worry about it. I can take care of it."

“If you’re sure…” Sae's expression had turned more sympathetic but still held an unwelcoming sternness. "Let me know if you need anything, Makoto. We can go to a doctor if need be."

Makoto nodded. “I’m going to my room.” He left quickly and went down to his room shutting the door harder than he meant to.

He changed into his pajamas and lied in bed, clutching a pillow close to his chest. He pulled out his phone. There weren’t any messages on it, which he had figured. Ann didn’t care enough about him to check if he was okay. She probably only felt bad because he had gotten upset and that made her look bad. Tears sprung to his eyes and his breathing caught. Why was he so sensitive about it? It’s not like Ann mattered. Nothing mattered. Tears were free flowing down his cheeks now. He pulled at his hair and screamed into the pillow. Why was he like this? He shouldn’t even care. Nobody liked him anyway. Ann hadn’t even liked him to begin with. He didn’t even like himself. He couldn't honestly expect her to like him. He was just a selfish prick and wasn’t good for anything. He choked out several sobs. He couldn’t breathe. He wanted to bang his head against the wall. He was so stupid so stupid so stupid so stupid so—

Twenty minutes passed. He only knew that because he checked the time on his phone. It could’ve been five minutes and it could’ve been hours and it wouldn’t have felt any different to him. Twenty minutes was a long time. His panic attacks were getting worse and worse every time he had them. It started out as five minutes. Then ten. Fifteen. Now he was at twenty. He wondered if they would get to be longer. Thirty minutes? An hour? How long was too long? How long until he felt he needed help? Would he reach a point where he couldn’t get out anymore? 

He was still trembling and his body felt incredibly drained. He hoped that he hadn’t made too much noise, but he really couldn’t remember anything. He didn’t need Sae finding out about any of this. She knew he had panic attacks; he couldn’t hide everything from her. They had started after their father died but then had petered off. Now they were back in full force. He just hoped she wouldn’t find out how bad they were getting. He didn’t want her to even have that thought on her mind. He didn't need her to be worried about him.


End file.
